When I was incarcerated I would write. When I was psychotic I would write more. I was a prolific letter writer. Most if not all of my letters were saved by my mother and aunt. Some of my ramblings were lost as I was moved about within the system but some I retain. I have tried in previous posts to convey what it is like to experience psychosis. I am including some psychotic rambling which may be of interest. It is a lengthy piece and you may abandon its words long before the end. It is not my hope that this will be one of my better posts but rather that it may illustrate mental illness in some small way. I have edited this piece only with punctuation and paragraph for ease of reading.
“While the courts have had their hand in my life I am dragged about like a dog to stand in their midst while they make motions not to ascertain the truth but to line their pockets. Even I could clear the docket in less time.
The world would be a better place if the sociopaths were in Prison only. We tolerate and even celebrate those who hide in companies and corporations, those who sustain so many and who often lead a frontal assault on our worth. We surrender our time and work so we are able to purchase the trinkets which oil their well constructed and maintained financial fortresses.
We are compensated for our time in tokens which we can then deposit back into their well advertised system of consumption. Our freedom is, to which of these organizations we surrender our worth. We are encouraged not by need but by timely commercials. They do not simply show us their wares but rather show us what we can become with them.
It is the company which determines not only our worth in time but also the value of our tokens in relation to their goods and services. It is a free and democratic society if you are able to determine your worth or its buying power. To be able to determine both is a con at best. It is only those who already dominate our worth who will continue to dominate the game. Sociopaths can plead or even beg but it is never their heart they want filled.
If we want to improve the world we need to weed out the sociopaths. If you want a get tough policy on crime, start sentencing white collar criminals with mandatory minimums. Why are the sociopaths in prisons for economic crime able to enjoy their short stays? We all know it is all about the war on drugs but perhaps we are being flanked by the sociopathic rich. If this policy is not changed; if tough on crime is only applicable to the rest of us, we will see who truly governs us: the sociopaths or the rest of us. If we are in any way governed by thirsty billionaires we might want to step out into the street because the real war is with those who determine our worth.
What character defect do we have as individuals that we believe someone else be they government or corporate should determine our worth. Is minimum wage determined by the rest of us? Why can’t I as a citizen of a free and democratic country directly profit from the same oil that flows under corporate feet and those of the rest of us? If I live on either coast should I not share in the prosperity of my fellow citizens? I will gladly sell my time to you but wouldn’t it be a better place if we both had a blow-up pool in the backyard? I know it is important that the water in yours is below ground. If it was above ground it might actually heat up on its own. Why am I putting out recyclables and you’re on a yacht? I’m sure your vessel is self-sufficient and environmentally friendly, but if you find time, take that screwdriver you have stowed below deck and make a small hole because we want you to get out to keep contributing!
The sociopaths will go to any length to protect their system. They have us believe that we can be as fortunate if we play their corporate lottery called the stock market. It is a white collar lottery that further fills their pockets. The blue collar lottery the government runs is at least democratic; you can be poor and still have a chance. You might as well save your tokens for alcohol or cigarettes but that’s not a lottery it’s a cash cow where the government and corporations collect our misery.
There are many who buy into your commercials and propaganda; they actually believe that more tokens mean more value. They must have licensed engineers making their designer products. My shoes were chosen from a bucket. If I can raise my status if only in the minds of others I will trade as many tokens as you might ask. I will even advertise for you freely as I wear your logo.
It is those who measure themselves by token value who are the gears to this game. It is the few who hold the cards of value and worth in your world. They walk on our backs holding images of what we should value and like some hungry bird we fly into the glass of excess and fall at their feet.
Let My People Go!”