Try

You are more than what is hurting you now. If you are experiencing something unacceptable, you are meant to try. There have been times I gave up but I have tried for 33 years. It sounds like a long time because it is. On a couple of occasions I tried to take my own life and thought of it for months at a time. I could never make sense of why I could never find peace.

I am told I died in the back of an ambulance. I’m not sure I ever wanted to die but having done so I have to ask why I am here. I have always been contemplative and sometimes because of my pain I asked the same question.

I am here to suffer and celebrate. I am here to find meaning in both. If I am able it is also for me to share in the suffering and celebrations of others. I am also here to share myself. If it is only a hello or more, it is what causes change. If no one knows you, no one can help you. If I am ever on the edge again, one direction may lead to an end to what is unacceptable but it is up to me to make a try. It may take longer than I think I can stand. Things may get worse and worse but the only thing that comes after giving up is a hearse.

I woke up but many don’t. I can tell you in my case things did get worse. I can also tell you my experiences, even the ones most would cringe at, I would not trade. Some of my learning took place in solitary confinement. It was in the midst of losing everything I knew for the second time that I learned. I was at the peak of my illness but very conscious of my surroundings. I experienced a reality that some do not recover from. We can agree it would constitute a low point for many of us. I have not recovered by many appearances but for what I have gained I would not trade places. I now know I am not alone literally or figuratively. When you lose all sense of time and are made to stand still you can experience yourself and you may even hear something from the universe. When you leave that space you can experience others and once again know you are not alone, literally or figuratively.

I don’t need to know exactly where I am going but where I am has a reason. Had I been processed by the morgue, I would not know the special people I do. I would not have a share in the love I was sure did not exist. I would not have a share in the happiness that laps at my life. I would not know the pain that broke over my body reminding me that I am human and revealing to others the same.

 

 

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