Sometimes it seems too late to make a change. Sometimes it seems like you are standing within a burned out home. There is nothing left to hold onto. Everything familiar has vanished like some dark magic wand has been waved. Kicking about the ashes reveals nothing of what once stood. The only pictures that remain are images in your head. No one can restore completely what has been lost. Staring at what is NOT only reduces what you believe you are.
We are something beyond what can be seen. We are more than what we own. We are more than what we do. We are more than where we live. Much of what we use to define ourselves has little to do with who we are.
When you strip a person of everything: when they cannot access what brings them comfort; when they have no possessions, no friends or acquaintances; when they have been stripped only to flesh; this is when a person is and becomes only what they are. It is at this point that you can get a clear view of yourself. It is here that you learn to follow both what resides within you and beyond. When you can see nothing but a toilet and your extremities, boredom itself will start you on a journey. Dreams and thoughts are not lost in the business of life here. Dreams and thoughts gain a power that requires attention. They become your only avenue of escape. They become the only vehicle of hope.
When I was in the Hole I often lost all perception of time. I was conditioned by a 24 hour light. I also lost contact with my usual sense of reality though it differed little outwardly. I was captivated as I was captive. At times love was all that existed. I felt it for those I saw, for myself and for what I knew existed beyond the concrete.
I spent a period where I was without contact with family and friends. I was, in my mind absolutely alone. Nothing existed outside of where I found myself. It was an absolute belief and nothing in reality contradicted the fact. Some may have clawed their eyes out or balled their eyes out. I simply opened mine. In the absence of everything, I was drawn to what existed without presence. It was tied to me but it was not me. It was something I spent most of my life denying, rejecting and condemning. I don’t have any names or words as we do not call each other names at this point. I have no education regarding such matters to explain or compare. Regardless, it was that which exists in me and that which surrounds me that propelled me.