My wonderful wife forced me into the fuselage of an airplane and I have ended up somewhere near the equator. I haven’t been anywhere warm in January in at least fifteen years unless you count the gas fireplace in our flat.

I looked at a map this morning as I thought it was important to finally know my whereabouts. I still don’t really know but I can see a large body of water from my balcony. Everyone is saying “hola” and “gracias” so I have eliminated the English Channel as the source of pollution. Watching people I have decided we are somewhere between the gulf of gluttony and the edge of excess.

This all seems different and disorienting. We are staying at an “all inclusive” which so far is an illusion. I thought our financial obligations were left with the travel agent but “all inclusive” so far means you don’t need a deposit for the view until it changes.

We only brought carry on luggage to make the airports a little easier. I dragged it through London International, Toronto Pearson and finally Cancun airports. When we landed at the resort our luggage was stolen by a little Latin man. He must have felt guilty as he showed up at our room an hour later. I gave him a gratuity in the hope of it not happening again. He must have told the other hotel employees as I can’t seem to yawn without yacking up an American dollar bill.

It’s basically our first day here but “all inclusive” does not include the bartender at the free bar, the person who brings beverages for the room fridge, the concierge and others who are breathing brochures, towel technicians, tequila transporters, the maintenance fellow who fixed the previously broken door, the security woman who fixed the previously broken safe, people who clear cutlery and the guy in the golf cart who gave me a ride while I was out for a walk. I even had to pay some person for their ideas of fun in the sun. Seriously, even if the drawstring on my bathing suit is double knotted is it really safe to have a dolphin push you through the water? Like; haven’t they heard of a canoe?

I got a little worked up on our first evening. We were trapped in our room as the door wouldn’t lock nor the safe. We were famished and tired. I ended up swearing at a Spaniard in English which felt good but was as pointless as confetti in a car wash.

When we arrived we had money for the safe but it is quickly disappearing. If I really wanted to keep our money safe I would carry a machete and hack off the hands of anyone wearing a hotel uniform. You might think I’m just a privileged penny pinching prick which isn’t far from the truth but it has turned into survival. According to the hotel we owe them thirty bucks if we lose a towel. I’m skimping and saving in the event of this. I figure all the people wearing hotel uniforms were once tourists who nearing the edge off bankruptcy in the game of gratuities lost their towel and are now indentured to the resort to pay it back. Possibly I shouldn’t worry as I would make more money here in tips than I do at home.

I saw an iguana with the guy on the golf cart so I’m pretending I’m on a safari which eases the suffering. Don’t feel sorry for me but hell is hot.