Saturday morning after I told my wife what to wear I said “do the dishes and vacuum quietly then I’m taking you to Toronto for a romantic getaway.” She wasn’t very quiet with vacuum but I let her walk behind me for the day anyway.

We found our seats on the train next to a nice young couple with two children who had a volume problem. I felt bad for them because they couldn’t afford sedatives for their children. I asked the woman pushing the food cart if she had any cough syrup I could donate to them but the answer was no. The conductor told me I had to remain seated until the train came to a complete stop so I walked backwards while we glided into Union Station and exited from the last car.

We walked in the rain to the aquarium and I was thankful to have an umbrella. I was still annoyed by the young couple and their spawn mainly because they were 15 feet in front of me heading towards the aquarium. In a loud voice I turned back towards my wife who forgot her umbrella, “Hey, isn’t that the CN Tower?” “Isn’t that the Rogers Centre?” “Isn’t that a bus with bad brakes?” The family didn’t go for the bait so I stopped for a cigarette to give them a head start. Again, I was thankful to have an umbrella. My wife seemed pleased to be in the building because she was soaked but when I realized the screeching wasn’t whales but 387 children I was a little hesitant. I stuffed the umbrella into the backpack my wife was carrying and took a gulp from one of the water bottles I noticed there.

I haven’t been anywhere in a couple of years so I was shocked at how the world has changed. I had no idea people are now using cameras for eyes. The last time I was out in public people experienced things in real time but I guess it’s more fulfilling to go home and look at what you missed while you were capturing it with a cell phone. It only happened 5 times but apparently if your face isn’t pressed to the aquarium glass it’s okay to step right in front of a person and hold out your phone so neither of you has a view. Even walking around was confusing for me. It seemed like every 15 seconds or 7.5 feet a Hollywood movie set appears out of nowhere and you have to freeze or take an alternate route while people pose for pictures. It’s like a natural disaster that nobody is noticing.

The aquarium itself was pretty cool if you like looking at shark anus gliding over your head in a glass tunnel but I was bored to tears by the Horseshoe Crabs. We should just make them extinct. It’s okay I just spent those moments doing math problems and thinking about scientific stuff like what makes the most noise:

A. 387 children who think seeing a fish is as exciting as hooking one in the mouth and dragging it through the water to watch it suffocate in the bottom of a boat    OR

B. 387 children temporarily floating in a million gallon fish tank with their shoes on  OR

C. 387 children kinda splashing in a million gallon fish tank with 18 sharks and no shoes

Whoever said watching fish in an aquarium is relaxing wasn’t being stepped on by screaming children and getting poked in the shoulder by some parental prick with a selfie stick.

None of the nose-pickers looked smart enough to trick but if I asked their parents 93% of them would be gifted, exceptional and ahead of their peers. I’m not sure how you discourage kids with their fake fascination of marine life but I know how you can keep most of the adults out of the place. Tell them no cell phones allowed. I mean, who the hell would show up to look at a sea urchin with just their eyes?

We narrowly missed the protestors telling people looking at fish who eat smaller fish not to eat fish and headed to the Royal Ontario Museum.

I thought the museum was going to be a peaceful perusal of the past but the idiots who thought it was a good idea for their offspring to see what that deep fried white flaky stuff looks like when it’s alive thought the little loudmouths should see paintings and pottery. What kind of a moron takes a child to a museum? I was somewhat buoyed by the fact that their eager “aren’t children wonderful” look had shifted to a “someone shoot me” grimace but they were all still wagging their tongues instead of choking on them so it wasn’t a truly fulfilling moment.

I pretended to be interested in the Chinese clay pots and crap because I like to pretend I love my Chinese wife because it leads to sex once in a while. Eventually I ran out of patience. “Honey, we have the exact same dish at home and that one is 29 bucks at Pier One. Even in these paintings and statues you all look the same.” The uptight Korean woman standing next to me seemed offended but at least I wasn’t wandering around with my hands clasped behind my back pretending to give a shit about culture. It’s not my problem she was too stupid to realize there were dinosaur bones in the building.

Coming out of the Chinese Culture Corner I held the door for 3 middle eastern adults because I like to pretend I care about people once in a while. They didn’t even look at me or say thanks. Not even a nod of the head. It only took about 20 seconds off my life but I was afraid to tell them to “fuck off” in case they were Muslim because I heard that kind of thing is basically illegal in Canada now. I certainly don’t want to be called Islamophobic because I’m not even racist. I hate everybody. I don’t understand hating someone for their skin colour or religion when you can hate them for no reason at all.

I went out a side door for a cigarette and they wouldn’t let me back in the museum so I missed out on seeing all the stuffed birds and mammals but most of them won’t be extinct for a few months so I’ll just put some diesel in my truck and hopefully I can run over a few so I don’t have to see them behind glass.

While we were waiting for the train back to London I had to use the queer, non binary trans person room. I went into the stall and the first thing I noticed was someone had carefully laid toilet paper all over the seat because like the internet says you can get an ass cheek infection if you don’t. I was disappointed that I had just missed meeting the Prime Minister but I was pleased he was travelling like the rest of us. I’m not saying he stinks but I’m not sure he’s as healthy as he looks. Despite what people say he is a visionary, I mean how did he know I was going to piss all over the seat? Why was I peeing in a stall? Because some liberal turds decided I can’t smoke in the main areas any more.

It was a nice trip back on the train until I smelled vomit coming from the woman having a coughing fit two seats back. It was awful. I didn’t turn to look at her as I sprinted off the train because I figured she was embarrassed and I don’t like seeing vagina on other peoples chins.

If you’re not offended by this blog please forward it to someone who might be.

Take care because I don’t.