What Direction Does A Muslim Person Face To Pray When They’re In Outer Space?

If it takes 40 seconds to recite the Lord’s Prayer and it takes 12 seconds for the plane to crash are you damned?

I remember standing in the wooden box thing in Courtroom #5 and looking out at the jail priest in her collar. The prosecutor person said “I understand you’re a spiritual person.” I didn’t answer him because I was being found Not Guilty by Reason of Insanity but the reverend was nodding her head so I copied her.

I’m not sure if it’s a contradiction to be a delinquent and a disciple but I heard there was a guy named Paul who killed people before he saved them. Maybe prisoners find God so they feel better about their sins but the same could be said for anyone. Maybe prisoners are in a place in their life where they can shut up and be still. I didn’t find God in jail, He entered my body when I was losing my mind in Solitary Confinement.

I was brought up in North America so I use Judeo-Christian imagery and language to communicate my spiritual experiences but I have read the Koran. I didn’t create my own religion like the Mormon’s I just beg and borrow from a few religions to make nonsense out of my own. It might seem sacrilegious to some but I also read the Charter of Rights and Freedoms and it seems legal. You can even follow no religion at all.

I sometimes fast. I don’t do it to please God, I do it so I think about people who don’t have the luxury of food and to appreciate that which finds my mouth. It’s also more economical to be an alcoholic on an empty stomach.

I guess I do pray but I don’t gather to do it out loud. My God has better hearing I guess. I would pray out loud but I’m basically always communicating with God so I’d probably get pulled over and put back in the padded room which is hard on my spirit.

I don’t write down the rules and regulations of my religion because that kind of thing leads to wars and I’m the only parishioner so that would worry me. Maybe my God cares about what I eat and what I wear. He’s probably just given up on me because I don’t eat much or wear anything.

I was on Facebook the other day because I give a fuck about followers. There was a beautiful story about faith. Some pious people built a church but they couldn’t open it because the building inspector said the parking lot was too small. The people who pray were wringing their hands and tearing off their clothes because the only land they had left was a mountain. The priest asked the parishioners who believed “faith can move mountains” to join him in prayer. They believed it could be solved by next Sunday for the grand opening. Miraculously a construction dude approached them to ask if he could remove the mountain to use it for fill that he needed for a nearby shopping mall being built. With goosebumps on my gonads I felt compelled to leave a comment.

“i’m sure God is pleased as punch that you bulldozed a mountain to make a church parking lot. I mean how can you pray if you don’t have a flat spot for your Lexis?”

I was flustered after I noticed the auto correct spelled Lexus wrong but then I looked up lexis and it dawned on me that some mistakes have meaning.

I guess my religion is like the auto correct on a computer except it’s more like auto-connect. I don’t have customs that connect me with Spirit it just happens automatically.

We’re not really looking for congregants but if you want to join my sinagogue just send $29.95 and make the cheque payable to Brett Batten.

Take care because I don’t.

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