Most of us know triumph but everyone knows sorrow. As I type this my dog Ani is growing cold in the back of my car. She was euthanized today and I am doing my best to procure similarities with 5.5% alcohol. Ani had bone cancer and one of her bones was fractured and disintegrating. Now I am.

If you’ve owned a dog you have or will have to say goodbye. To say I was fighting back tears at the veterinarian’s view of things is laughable but I tried.

Ani wasn’t an average dog that I crated up and cursed the cold with twice a day. She was my therapy and only friend. We spent the last 10 years in each other’s company 24/7.

I did not train her but if I swore she nuzzled up to me. She knew I was having a hard time if I cursed. I guess I will have to come to terms with the fact that now no-one will love me when I am unlovable.

The veterinarian said it would only cost me 30 bucks for paw prints and a measly $400 for some assholes who didn’t love my dog to guarantee that the ashes in the urn were in fact only Ani. Screw you and your mourning marketing. Poverty is impervious.

If you’re local you’ll wonder how this asshole expects to bury a dog in March. I half built a granite garden within view of Ani’s bed in the house. That is where Ani will rest. About all I have to do is thaw 15 bags of topsoil from whichever garden centre is open and stocked.

I don’t know what most people say to their dog as they slip away but I said “thank you.” I said “thank you” and I massaged the inside of Ani’s ears like I always did.

When I first got Ani I named her sANIty. I was dissuaded by the premise that she sounded like a boat but in hindsight calling her from a distance would have been problematic. “Sanity,” “Sanity Come.” If it were that easy to summon sanity you wouldn’t be reading my blog. Part of me will always call Ani from a distance but our closeness can never be argued.

I dedicate this story to all therapy and service dogs. Very few wear a vest.

6 thoughts on “Sanity

  1. So sorry Brett, we lost Ellie in January. We know how much Ani meant to you and that you were two kindred spirits. You are NOT unlovable, hang in there friend.

  2. Sorry for the loss of your companion Brett. Some dogs are far more to certain people than just mere pets. They can be companions, confidants, aides, friends who will never repeat your secrets and have many more attributes. I for one feel my stresses leave my body just stroking an always grateful dog who it seems can never have too much of this simple action. We’ll grieve with you on the loss of your faithful friend, you did right by her in terminating her suffering, never easy but a necessary thing to do in such a situation. In time the wound in your heart will heal but scar tissue will remain, take care Brett.

    Eldon Mantha ( Vina’s brother)

    • Thank you for the beautiful note Eldon. I remember you well and hope that you are. I appreciate your kindness. Ani was a rescue and most of our interactions were to comfort each other. I often wasn’t sure who was caressing who. I hope spring migrates quickly to the north this year. Take care, Brett

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