I’m a little slow on the take but I have been informed it is a new year. What the hell does that mean? Longer days and spring on the way? For the impatient and intolerant it may mean migration to warmer climes. For most of us it is a belly full of booze and food and a list of ignorable resolutions.

Why does the sun have to be at a certain point in space to summon the willpower or lack thereof to make changes to our lives? Is it easier to lose weight in January than in June? I might argue it is less so as we cozy up in our dwellings. I for one don’t even try my “Speedo” on in January which for anyone familiar with me would provide sufficient stimulus to do several crunches. I keep a few old outfits which when worn would shock any self-respecting person to purchase, rent, borrow, fabricate or steal a treadmill. This time of year the beach is so far from my mind that I am oblivious that I undo my pants anytime I am not in public. I am not a closet exhibitionist by choice…I only own one pair of stretch jeans!

I am inspired by the many joggers I see this time of year. I honk encouragement which is a subtle disguise for my theory that I will never see them again despite their new shoes and insulated spandex. I may be jaded. What resolutions do people make where it is seasonably warm? They live with the horror of being called on at anytime to wear a bikini.

As my partner who is ironically a personal trainer points out, there is no shortcut to symmetry. Symmetry? I just want to do my pants up! I just want to pull the seat-belt in one smooth motion without it locking up at the point where a fit person fits. I just want to be able to utter complete sentences at the top of the stairs.

Please tell me how to keep a resolution. I think my problem is I have “nervous” habits. No, I don’t bite my nails or bang my head but it’s the damn “Speedo.” If you saw me in it you would be nervous too. It’s a bit like Michael Jackson showing the world his baby. There is a bit of beauty but all you want to do is scream.

Happy New Year!