We’ve had a couple of thunderstorms here in London today and yesterday. Like the weather life changes. Sometimes it shifts quickly and makes you pay attention. When the rain starts you think about yourself and your home. We can shut our windows and carry an umbrella but like one individual I noticed this morning, a driving rain renders the best umbrella useless.
At times we are unprepared and there is no opportunity to take action. At times the shift is so drastic and immediate there seems no safe place. What do you think of in moments like these? In my case it was people. I was relatively safe but the changes I encountered were still drastic. I could only think about those I loved. Where were they this instant? When will I see them again?
As my situation also happened to be of a more permanent nature, I had time to ask other questions. Will they remember me? Do they love and miss me as I do them? I thought about their troubles between bouts of my own personal misery. I could do little to assist in either. I had few if any answers through my struggles but I kept in my heart those I loved. I was lost to them but I could sometimes hope. The times I lost hope something saved me from myself.
To have no hope is like being a Chia Pet. Thoughts of suicide sprout up seemingly on their own and cover up what might otherwise be viewed as decent. To be suicidal is a point of severely altered perceptions. You focus so much on what hurts that you cannot recognize anything else. You see nothing of what good could, would or even should happen if you simply abandon your thoughts. You grasp at all the negative with white knuckles only because that is all there is. Without hope there is nothing to anchor the good that is the shape beneath the growing Chia Pet. Pointing out the good to a suicidal person is like pointing out the apple at the top of the tree to a starving one armed man.
I don`t know exactly what made me abandon my suicidal thoughts. It may have been luck or Grace or love. Maybe all three have something in common. They can exist outside of ourselves and without them we might be very different or even dead. Think about where you are; hopefully it is somewhere you can stand. If it is, you can decide which if any of the three plays a part.
Firstly I admit that this dumb kiwi had no idea what a chia pet is. LOL. Wow, I’ve learnt something new today. More seriously though, I think luck, grace and love were all essential in my move out of suicidality. What interests me is that I couldn’t name specifics. It just happened. One day that thinking had gone (finally), but I’m sure you’re quite right that a bit of all three was involved.
It is interesting how difficult it is to put your finger on the change in perception. It doesn’t seem like a moment but rather a movement. Possibly our gaze is turned outward to the good that surrounds us rather than the pain that consumes us. Grace, love and luck may be one and the same at times, the difference being what we are most comfortable with or believe in most.
I’m glad you are more informed about Chia Pets but please don’t buy me one for Christmas!
I just figured out why there may not be Chia Pets in New Zealand. The “hair” would only grow on the underside, something akin to your toilets flushing backwards or as you might say forwards 😉
LMAO Now that’s good! 🙂
‘Pointing out the good to a suicidal person is like pointing out the apple at the top of the tree to a starving one armed man.’ Such a great description of how we feel when suicidal. Great post.
Thank you for the feedback. When I was brought to my knees I kept looking at the apples on the tree when all about me laid fruit that had fallen. May your apples always be within reach.